Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Sorry, not sorry

Oftentimes I read weight loss blogs to keep me motivated.  That is why I write as well.  It keeps me on track.  Makes it more exciting.  I feel like when I get to share my successes with people (no matter how few people) on here I get to celebrate just a little bit more.  I also feel like when I start to fail or slip you are watching me.  That's helpful too.  I read this today and I felt the need to share.  I found it really touching...

If you read it, be sure to read parts 2 and 3 as well.  They aren't very long, but you have to read all 3 to get the whole story.

As touching as I felt it was, I can't relate.  I find that in reading most weight loss blogs there are these "bigger" (excuse the pun) issues.  For a lot of people their weight gain or just weight in general is due to emotional baggage that they have carried around.  I definitely get that, but don't relate.

I was never small.  I've always had these wide set hips and a larger chest.  I went through the lovely thing known as "puberty" the summer before 5th grade.  Yea, that's early.  And it's confusing and you start to not look like everyone else a whole lot earlier than you are supposed to.  (Maybe that's my baggage?)  My point is I never really knew anything else.  It's just how I looked.  And honestly, it bugged me in those awkward middle school years, but after didn't.

Also, shout out to mom on this one, because I am just now realizing that if I have a daughter who gets rather large boobs in 5th grade I am going to want to die and keep her home ALL THE TIME because my guess is that can attract older boys and when your daughter is 10 that is the LAST thing you want to happen. 

I lost a good bit of weight in high school and got down to my lowest ever (8.8 pounds smaller than I am today).  I had a boyfriend at the time and I guess I wanted to look good for him.  It was a pretty long relationship and ended after my first sememster at LSU.  Up until then I had maintained that weight withing 5 pounds or so.  Then it happened....

I moved out of the house!  FREEDOM!  VODKA!!!  MAC AND CHEESE!!  IZZOS FOR LUNCH!!  PIZZA HUT BREADSTICKS! (if you went to LSU you know what Im talking about.  Shout out CEBA hut.)

Oh yea and studying and partying and not playing organized sports, and not going to the gym anymore.  It was a killer.  I gained 54 pounds.  Slowly but surely.  Probably in about 2 years. 

Oddly enough through it all I never really felt like I looked bad.  I didn't have emotional baggage.  I dated people.  I got hit on at bars.  And my boobs were HUGE!  I was unapologetic about my weight gain.  Sorry, but I was not sad or sorry.  I didn't embarrassingly sit in my room all the time and at over 200 pounds I rocked the snot out of a bikini on spring break.  Suck it society!!

Don't get me wrong...looking back at pictures I am certainly unhappy with the way I looked and embarrassed that I got to the point, but at the time I had a whole lot of unwavering confidence.  

Even after starting to have to shop at big girl stores I figured I was in the smallest size there so no worries.  I don't know what changed or why I decided to start losing weight.  I honestly cannot tell you.  I don't think there was a day when I got in the mirror and said, "Kaitlyn, you are disgusting."  It was after college was over and I had started working full time.  Things had calmed down.  i wasn't dating anyone, but we were definitely still partying.  It started out when the guys we were hanging out with were runners.  I decided to start Couch 2 5k.  We stopped going out as much so the drinking wasn't going on the way it was before.  I started dropping weight.  AND it felt good.  I may have never really felt bad when I was heavier, but I did start to feel better.  You never realize you are unhappy with the way you look until you have that moment in the dressing room where you try on a smaller size and not only does it looks good.  I realized I was never ACTUALLY happy with the way I looked.  I was simply indiffernt to it.  I let my confidence be determined on how guys felt about  me and not how I felt about me.  There is always going to be some drunk asshole at a bar who is going to hit on you no matter what you look like.  I've seen it happen.  You shouldn't let the way you feel about yourself be dictated by the way the opposite sex feels about you.  Yes, it feels good getting a compliment and it's nice knowing someone thingks you're hot, but if you don't think you're hot, it is eventually going to come bite you in your ass.  When college is over and no one is soberly oogling you in the grocery store, that is when shit gets real and you really have to figure out how YOU feel about YOURSELF.  Knowing now that I can be and AM HAPPY with how I look I strive to keep getting healthier and looking better.

***Also, side note.  Met my husband at a bar and babe if you were just drunkenly hitting on me that's ok.  You aren't an idiot.  I ACTUALLY AM HOT :)***

I know that was long, but hopefully enjoyable.  Anyone have a similar experience where they just never thought they looked bad?  Guess it's kind of like the 80's a bit.  You never realized that curled bangs and tight rolled jeans looked like shit until you weren't wearing them anymore.  Also, I would love for you to share any weight loss blogs that you read that are motivating to you! 

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