Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Definitions...Big Changes...End of a chapter

I've been thinking A LOT.  I'm a woman.  Of course I've been thinking A LOT.  It's what we do.

It looks like my blog (as it is now) is coming to an end this week.

It's been a good LONG 7 year run obsessing about food, but I think it's time to close that chapter in my life. I was talking to a friend just today who has been busting ass at the gym.  She looks amazing and is doing awesome.  She said that she got on the scale for the first time in awhile and saw a number she hadn't seen in years.  You would think this was a good thing, but the number was HIGHER than it had been in years.  Just like that, the scale can take away all the good feelings...

Sometimes I am a lazy fatass and the scale tells me I'm hot shit.  Sometimes I work like a beast and feel great only to have the scale tell me I'm a chubster and make me feel like less than I am.  I'm tired of taking a self-confidence hit from the scale all the time.   

I went to the doctor about a year ago because I felt like I was doing everything right.  I knew there had to be some reason (medically) why I was not losing weight.  There was not.  And this is what the doctor told me:  "You don't need to lose weight."  Say what doc??  My reply, "but I do doc.  You see this here BMI chart?  I am OVERWEIGHT.  Like by a decent bit."  The doctor then told me that yes, by those standards I was overweight.  And yes losing weight couldn't hurt.  But she also told me that people have different body types and heredity and that she had done a full and extensive physical workup and by all accounts I was the perfect picture of health.  All my numbers were perfection.  Not one damn thing wrong with me. 

I didn't feel healthy and I didn't feel good and I was not active enough 50lbs ago.  But it's vanity.  Plain and simple vanity.  I am happy.  I am healthy.  I am active.  So the reason I have been OBSESSING over food non stop for seven years is vanity?  When you take a step back and look at the big picture that is the stupidest reason I can think of to obsess over something for seven years.  Do I think I would look hot if I lost 25 more lbs?  Hell yes!  Do I think I look hot now?  Same answer.  I know that in order to stay the size I am I have to be conscious of what I am putting in my mouth and making sure that I am active, but it no longer needs to be an obsession.  I think anyone who has lost a decent amount of weight will tell you that the fear of putting that weight back on is sometimes worse than just being a fatty. 

So I am done obsessing over it.  I am done letting food and a number on the scale define my life.  I am ready to make good use of this body that I worked so hard to have (even if it isn't perfect).  I am ready to decorate it and feel good about it.  Why spend countless hours thinking about losing weight just to wear some shorts that you didn't think chubby people should wear?  Guess what I bought today!  Those freakin shorts.
Yep!!  The shorts that I have only seen skinny minnies wear.  Lace shorts.  The ones that chubsters aren't allowed to wear.  Suck it everybody!!  Side note:  I ordered them online, but when I get them I will definitely be snapping a picture.  I'm tired of looking at outfits on pinterest and loving them, but thinking they aren't for people my size.  I'm healthy and I'm confident and I will be damned if I am going to let some stupid perception of what I am allowed to do/wear at my size define me.  I can distinctly remember the first time while losing weight that I didn't have to go to lane Bryant for work pants (yes I was in their smallest size, but I still had to shop at the plus sized store).  It was a WONDERFUL feeling to slide on a pair of pants at the limited and not have a problem.  From now on, if there is something I like and I feel it looks good I refuse to pass it up because, "I will buy that when I am skinnier."  It's bullshit and I'm done with it.   
So where does this leave us with the blog?  I enjoy writing and I enjoy writing about what I like to do.  I like to eat heatlhy and I like to workout so I have no intentions of not writing about those things or sharing recipes on here.  I also like music.  I like shopping.  I like clothes.  I like my dogs and my family.  I like being goofy.  I like learning new things.  I like writing.  I like telling stories.  I like running (sometimes).  I like listening to people.  THOESE are the things that define me.  Not just one thing.  All of those things go together to make me who I am.  I plan on writing about ALL of those things. 
No more obsessing about weight.  I don't NEED to lose weight.  The doctor even said so.  I NEED to enjoy life and write about the things that make me happy. I NEED my thoughts to be more well rounded and centered around happiness and not dieting.  When I have a child I NEED them to go back and read my blog when they are older and see that health, confidence, and happiness are more important than vanity.
I know not everyone will be interested in continuing to follow and read my blog and I am totally ok with that.  No hard feelings at all.  I just wanted to be upfront about the changes to come.  Including the name of the blog :)

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